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I can’t pretend to have had the experience my daughter will. What I can do is talk to her about what I learned from being a person whose ethnic identity is not one-size-fits-all. Here are five lessons I hope to pass on:
You are the person you perceive yourself to be. Your own experiences will colour how you form opinion about who you are. Though I haven’t spoken Spanish in years and was raised mostly in Maine, I cannot — and will not — shake off my summers in Little Havana or the traits I get from my Cuban family. No matter how others see you, you will have to discover for yourself what feels right and true.
Don’t let visual appearance define anyone for you. Never assume that you know something about other people’s attitudes, perspectives, or identity based on their physical attributes. I heard a lot of jokes about Latinos from non-Latino people who thought they were just talking to a white guy and wrongly assumed that 'white' equals 'okay with racist jokes'. Skin is not a reliable indicator of anything but pigment.
You don’t have to pick sides, even when people want you to. It is easy for other people to reduce you to a small package of one race or ethnicity. This allows them to operate on all kinds of assumptions, to think of you in pre-established ways. But you can resist this: your life is not to be lived in service of ease for others.
Cultural identity does not come with a list of required behaviours. Whatever parts of your identity you embrace, you are not required to mimic social expectations of that identity; at the same time, don’t shun something that appeals to you simply because you are afraid of fitting a stereotype. Enjoy the music, food, activities, language, clothing, and elements of personal style that feel right specifically for you as an individual.
You are not alone. In the last census, four percent of children in the U.S. were listed as being of more than one race or ethnicity, with some states reporting numbers as high as 25 percent. And that number continues to grow. Those kids need to be proud of who they are, and they need you to be proud of who you are. Maybe someday, then, it will be the norm to see individuals, instead of categories.
David Valdes Greenwood lives in Arlington with his husband Jason and their 2-year-old daughter Lily
This article first appeared on BayWindows.com
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